A Letter Goodbye

What if I’m not okay? What if I am infatuated?

 I need them like I need air to breathe.

Dear Situationship,

You were my air.

Before you even knew my feelings, you occupied all my thoughts. I hung on to every word you said, analyzing to see if you felt the same. My breath left my lungs every time you lingered in my personal space. Did it also mean more to you when you grabbed my hand? are you just an affectionate person? Did you ask for my help because you wanted me to be there, or because you just needed help?

How could I make more plans with you? I couldn’t go a week without your presence.

I spent all day with you. You might remember me coming over and watching movies. But I remember two hands inching across a bed sheet searching for one another. I remember the goosebumps spreading through my body when our hands finally touched. I remember the rest of the day spent with your fingers interlaced with mine.

I think back now, I want to know how much of my recollection is true. Was it clouded by my own feelings?

After gaining the courage to ask you out I was over the moon,

In a room full of people, you were the only one I saw. We flirted, laughed, and talked about everything. Your hand around the small of my back pulling me closer to you, while the other made its way to my knee, brushing it with your fingertips while I spoke. You looked at me like you truly listened to every word that left my lips.

All you had to do was wave to me and I smiled for hours, I replayed the five-second moment in my head a thousand times at night in bed.

Our first kiss is forever engraved in my heart.

I was wearing a Phillies jersey for opening day, and you were wearing a yellow button down. I was about to leave school, but before I even made it out to the car I turned around.

 I was running late for work, but I knew I couldn’t leave without kissing you.

You were cleaning your boss’s office. The door was open, and I said, probably a little too loud, that I was going to kiss you.

You said “okay.”

Instincts took over. Before I knew it one hand was placed on your shoulder, the other rested on your left cheek, and my lips were on yours. Your hands on my hips pulling me closer.

Time stopped,

it felt right,

never like any kiss before.

It left me speechless, and I felt the blush that had risen in my cheeks as I pulled away.

You laughed as I stumbled over and repeated the same two words with a smile, “cool, yeah.”

I exuded my happiness to my friends. I finally found someone who treated me right.

I told them I felt in my heart you were going to stick around. Little did I know after a month from then you would be ending things.

I noticed you pulling away.

Suddenly I was reaching for your hand, you would drop almost instantly after I grabbed it.

I tried to make plans for another date, but you would say you’re busy.

At first, I believed you, but you started making plans with other people.

You rarely sat next to me anymore, and instead planted yourself at the desk with headphones on.

What hurt the most was our conversations never lasted more than thirty seconds. I tried to talk to you and the only responses were, “yeah” or, “mhm.”

I looked back to our first date. I apologized for talking so much. You told me you liked listening to me. After every conversation, all I could think of was where those days went.

Your behavior started taking a mental toll on me. There was an anxiety in my chest every time I thought about seeing you.

I didn’t know what version of you was going to show up.

The one I fell for, or the one who ignored me.

I spent days crying over your behavior because I thought it was my fault, and I wracked my brain with ideas to fix us.

Then you did it.

I remember the conversation word for word.

It will be forever burned into my brain.

You didn’t have feelings for me romantically. I stared at you blankly. I had yet to register what you said, the only thing I could ask was why? Why did you go out with me multiple times to begin with?

“I don’t know.”

Even though I am so hung up on you still to this very moment, I think I felt us coming to an end. I didn’t want to accept it.

I clawed and held on desperately to how you made me feel, like my life depended on it.

Because you were my first.

My first kiss with a woman, and my first real emotional connection with someone on a romantic level.

Before you I was scared that I would never feel romantic feelings for another person.

During you I was scared that you were going to come to the realization I wasn’t enough.

Now after you I’m scared that I’m never going to get over you.

I just want to know why? I don’t know is not a good enough answer, I deserve more.

Why would you go and do the one thing I told you I was most afraid of?

Weeks ago, I confided in you. I told you I was scared of being hurt, how scared I was to open my heart, and how I couldn’t stop thinking you were going to wake up one day and your feelings for me would disappear.

You sat in a room with a broken girl and assured her you would not shatter her further.

 You told her how much you liked her, and you would never get tired of reassuring her about that.

You flirted with her, held her hand, put your arm around her, and called her cute.

You went on dates, and even kissed.

Now all she can think about is how these actions were lies.

Even though I was in my head, I reassured myself. I let myself want you, I allowed myself to be hopeful, and I did the worst thing I probably could’ve done.

 I let myself plan.

I thought about future dates, how my family would react when they met you, and how I would take my weekends out of my availability at work if you moved back home after graduating.

Why would you lead me on, and let me fall harder and harder for you if you didn’t intend to stay?

My heart is shattered. It feels like it’s going to explode in a so sad it physically hurts sort of way.

It feels like there’s someone constricting the air in my lungs. I haven’t been able to take a deep breath in days.

I had plenty of friends surrounding me while I was laying on the floor sobbing over you. All I wanted was for you to come in and tell me everything was going to be alright.

I wanted you to hold me, put your hand on my knee to stop it from shaking, and to hold my hand to stop me from anxiously picking my fingers like you did before.

The thing is I am so in love with you, and right now I can’t see how I could possibly get over this.

If you told me right now you made a mistake, I would take you back because this doesn’t feel real.

You leaving does not feel real.

If saw you, it would be business as usual. A huge smile on my face when I enter the room, I hug you from behind, and I plant a kiss on your head as you edit on the computer. I then pull up a chair and sit next to you reading as you work.

My anxiety about our relationship has shifted from how to be the perfect person for you, to how to coexist with you.

Can I tell you I miss you? Can I pay you a compliment? Am I allowed to hug you? To you these things may all seem platonic. To me I will forever hope these actions mean more to you once more.

I don’t know what we were to you, but to me what we had was real. I fell hard, and I fell fast.

I still need you like I need air to breath. You still consume all my waking thoughts. I see you and my first thought is still how perfect you are.

So,

I’m not okay right now,

and that is okay.